I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
You Might Also Like
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
Jesus steals the winter solstice
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*