A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
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I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.