Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
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The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
This trial is so absurd 😭
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
reduce, reuse, recycle
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.