Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
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I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
welcome back
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!