Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
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Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”