[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
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My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
I’m a bad influence on myself.
I only eat vegetarians.
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine