Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
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Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
is this store having a stroke wtf
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.