[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
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“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
I WON A HAM TODAY
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
🙅🏻
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls