I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
You Might Also Like
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
Travel bloggers during quarantine
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁