Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
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“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.