in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
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Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
can’t believe I got front row seats
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
Geez man, take it easy.
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.