PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
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Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
wtf is a larm clock?
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”