I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
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Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
me and my fake scenarios
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
I wish this was real life…
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.