It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
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Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?