wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
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Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.