Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
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My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…