dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
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me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.