I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
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whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin