Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
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I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.