If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
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Thank you corporation very cool
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
ok hear me out: Luigiana
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.