Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
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Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
This why you should mind your business
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”