JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
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the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
😂😂