If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
You Might Also Like
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.