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terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol