I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
You Might Also Like
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
Why is everyone getting married at me
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
The hardest thing Vision has to do
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff