Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
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Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
Always 🥴
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
*performs CPR on the turkey*
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
If you know, you know
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”