i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
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Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing