God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
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If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
I see your IQ test came back negative
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
happy valentine’s day to me
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib