ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
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The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.