Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
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My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
The Assassin.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
In case you needed to hear it:
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
only writing recipes in wordart from now on