My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
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If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
Is fake venison called venisn’t
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
this came to me in a vision
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat