side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
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Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
Sorry not sorry.
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK