My kitchen overserved me.
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Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.