I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
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Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
classic mixup
Succinctly put.