Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
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This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
My friend is an excellent librarian.
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.