Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
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How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.