Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
You Might Also Like
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
Well. That’s not a good sign.
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face