my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
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I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.