Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
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If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Very good! 👍😂
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
Passed by a old school Math example today.
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)