I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
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2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
Somewhere in an alternate universe
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.