[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
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The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
oh you like architecture? name three walls
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
Mmmm. Shoeshi
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”