I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
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Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
This is the best one I’ve seen
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s