6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
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shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
Food gives you energy to nap more.
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer