There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
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[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
HR said no more nunchucks.
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.