One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
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LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
🤣