I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
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In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
new wife guy just dropped
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.