Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
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gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude