Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
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Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”