I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
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NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
I am all good here, 😂😉
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula