if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
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I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no